Codependency is a family disorder. Passed down from generation, it is a way of living assumed to protect oneself from hurting. And not just from hurting, but sometimes, even from dying. it is an existence characterized by loneliness, perfectionism, clutching fear, and alienation. Whole families wrap themselves in tight little cocoons as strong as invisible steel and go through the emotions of looking "right", looking "good", Looking as if they do not have a care in the world. One of the most outstanding characteristics of codependency is the personal, familial, and social need to save face at all cost. Where one codependent is found, there will usually be two or more. Often two codependents from two different families end up marrying each other. An unfortunate result is that children from such a marriage learn their lessons all too easily and well.
Being a codependent in a codependent family is always a difficult role, and the difficulty can be further complicated by the many hats each person in the family wears at any given time. Anyone in a codependent family may turn into a oppressor, the enabler, the punisher, the victim, the straight arrow, or the righteous martyr. A codependent family member may at any time simultaneously point a finger at, condemn, try to control, inflict and elicit pain--and still fell totally righteous.
Much of the pain that goes with being codependent are the feeling of shame and inadequacy that come from being unable to create change. Everything is tried--threats, promises, bargains, bribes, ridicule, humiliation, and shame. Nothing works. It does not work because the codependent is completely wrapped into other persons' lives. The codependent is thinking about what is necessary to force change on others. Thinking that if only he/she can say it right, do it right, then others will surely see the light and do what he/she wants, and feeling when this doesn't happen a devastating sense of worthlessness, hopelessness, and guilt. A codependent never tries to live his or her own life from his or her own view. A codependent may try to bring another to live that life,or a codependent may try to live another's life.